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Bold Brochures, Brave Wife

Posted by benbeatscancer@gmail.com on June 25, 2020 at 2:45 AM

Ben tells me I should check out the brochures on the fridge. They were given to us by the home care team. I thumb through the information on home care, palliative care and pain management. There is a brochure on Hospice and End of Life and it sends tingles shooting down to my feet and fingers. Of course, in both brochures, the language is kind and includes a lot of 'IF' and 'WHEN' but I can't unread the words in bold. 


There's a form that stays on top of the fridge too, he says. That's a known spot. For paramedics to look. For those forms. A white envelope sits on top of the fridge and I slowly pull out those forms. One talks about life saving measures and how much Ben would like to recieve. It's not news to me. But it is somehow very different to see it in check box format. A cold list. A punch in my middle to see lifesaving measures....checked... or not checked off. 


There's another document that I have a lot of questions and emotions about. But I am not ready to ask. I am not ready to face. Instead, I am silently outraged and hurt. Why is this document here? Why here now? Is this something for now? Who would slip this one in? My mind spins. Is it 10 years or two? Is it now? I exhale confusion and hold my breath as I slide in this horrible form: Notification of Expected Death in the Home in the Near Future 

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