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Kris Fuller, CancerWifeNinja sharing my journey... as my husband battles Stage 4 Colon Cancer. 

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22 minutes Matters

Posted by on June 27, 2020 at 2:15 AM Comments comments (0)

Pain! Again! 

We load Ben up with the meds we have, we do what we can. He wants to wait to see if it 'kicks in' but I have learned. It's 11pm. 

I say, No, get in the car. If it kicks in in 22 minutes, we took a nice leisurely drive and we can come right home.

BUT if it does not... we will be right at Emerg. He agrees and in a flash I have made a cop...

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Unwelcome Guests

Posted by on June 26, 2020 at 9:35 PM Comments comments (0)

Have you ever had someone visit that makes you feel uncomfortable? That doesn't quite support you... or at least not how you need it? I'm faced with this today, and it's very hard. I have guests who want to come and see me. See Ben. We don't know them well and their intentions are good BUT it's always a draining visit. 

I want to be the people-pleaser. I want to host and be proper, but in my heart I know it does...

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Lose one, Get one

Posted by on June 26, 2020 at 7:25 PM Comments comments (0)

The chemo bottle on a bag was removed at 10am. Hooray for small freedoms. 

A second sub-Q port was added to his left arm. Boo for more holes and contraptions in his body. He has TWO on that arm.. but meds need their own. And eventually it will be back to one as we transition this medical change (trying something new!) 

Home Care... Cares

Posted by on June 25, 2020 at 1:00 PM Comments comments (0)

Home care visits again. They really want to get Ben's pain under control. Yes, us too.It's been constantly at 4 or 5 out of 10. Sometimes even 6 and 7. At 8 or 9 we go to ER and I'm sure it's off the chart when we arrive. 

We are going to try a new drug. Something under the tongue. Mix it up to see improvements. They ask Ben what he would like to be doing with his time and I jump in, 'Come see his yard! He's an ...

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Near Future

Posted by on June 25, 2020 at 2:55 AM Comments comments (0)

I google the term Near Future for two hours.

What does it mean....

So, no...what does it really mean....

No, wait... don't tell me... 

...or... no, I don't know. Near.

                                       How nea...

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Bold Brochures, Brave Wife

Posted by on June 25, 2020 at 2:45 AM Comments comments (0)

Ben tells me I should check out the brochures on the fridge. They were given to us by the home care team. I thumb through the information on home care, palliative care and pain management. There is a brochure on Hospice and End of Life and it sends tingles shooting down to my feet and fingers. Of course, in both brochures, the language is kind and includes a lot of 'IF' and 'WHEN' but I can't unread the words in bold. 


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You Must Be Getting Sleep

Posted by on June 25, 2020 at 2:35 AM Comments comments (0)

I tell Ben I just don't feel like I am getting any sleep. 

He tells me the lumberjack snoring in my bedroom has a different story to tell. 

As a defiant non-snorer, I am not impressed with this false report. I'm sure it's a new-found habit (snoring) and only due to stress. COVid? Cancer? Weight gain? Boo, snoring. And boo, no sleep. 

Electric Bed 5 Star

Posted by on June 25, 2020 at 1:30 AM Comments comments (0)

He loves it.  

It lifts his upper body. Which helps because he is often weak. 

It lifts his feet. His once again badly swollen feet. Which helps because it's an ordeal to lift feet, legs and shove pillows in. 

It moves his body slowly and slightly. Which helps because with a sore back and stomach, the pain of moving sucks. 

It's fi...

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Chemo. Washer. Bottle.

Posted by on June 24, 2020 at 6:25 PM Comments comments (0)

We drive to Salmon Arm for chemo, unsure if it is still happening. I drop him off and go to buy the washing machine (we finally picked one!) As I'm loading up I get the text, 'Chemo is on. See you in 4 hours.' 

I drive home and get the washer out of my car. Inch by painful inch, I wiggle the heavy appliance box from my car to my front door. That's all I can muster. I see a neighbour outside and beckon him over. ...

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Electric Bed Arrival

Posted by on June 23, 2020 at 6:55 PM Comments comments (0)

Yahoo! The electric bed has arrived.

Ben is grumpy about it. Save the packaging for a return, he says. I set up quietly around him. All I want is for him to try it. To upgrade from the recliner to a bed again. 

"Remember that we were going to buy a new mattress for our Queen bed for ourselves?" I comment, "Well, we never got around to it. But I reall...

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Home Care Saves the Day

Posted by on June 23, 2020 at 10:40 AM Comments comments (0)

Argh. 11pm. A shortage.

The pain meds going in Ben's IV line need saline to push them in and flow. We use 2 syringes of saline each push and we only have one left. We need two at 11pm and we will need two at 7am. BOTH times are terrible for running out of something!

Will we need the hospital? Ben is determined not to. We push his meds with only half a syringe- a quarter of what...

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Gr 7 Grad and the Best Good Bye

Posted by on June 22, 2020 at 10:40 PM Comments comments (0)

Lizzie has finished Grade 7. Her school did a day for the Grade 7s but very low key. No parents, no camping trip. Just.. different. Lisa and I arranged for a BBQ at our house for this day instead. I am thrilled. We get Dairy Queen ice cream cake, balloons and teal plates. I make burgers and put on a nice top. It has been a while since I wore anything that cannot be described as 'work clothes', 'pajamas' or 'leisure wear'.

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A Bony Hug

Posted by on June 22, 2020 at 10:35 PM Comments comments (0)

After Home Care leaves us, Ben circles over to me. I think you need a hug, he says.

I nod, and take the hug and while it does make me feel better... it also jars me to feel his bony frame. Hurts my heart. Gone is the strong, beefy man who made me feel tiny, protected and bear-huggy safe.

The bony hug is still comforting but it's a stark contrast to my healthy husband.

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Home Care Visit

Posted by on June 22, 2020 at 6:20 PM Comments comments (0)

Home Care visit today. I am grateful that they called me multiple times to set something up. I know I have missed a lot of calls lately. Sometimes I just can't face talking on the phone. 

We showed the tour of the house, then sat on the deck. We talked about where we are and how it is for Ben. Ben doesn't like being in pain. He doesn't like being groggy, either. The team talked about pain, comfort and dru...

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A Honey-Do List for Kris

Posted by on June 22, 2020 at 5:05 PM Comments comments (0)

Argh. It's a small house storm... and all the things Ben used to fix and maintain are now in my lap too. 

Air-conditioning was leaking. Serviced Friday and I had to help with the heavy lifting. It's fixed but it was four hours of interruption and annoyance. But needed as we are about to hit the heat of our summer. 

Washing machine - started with a slow leak and now is flooding. (In the pas...

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Posted by on June 21, 2020 at 9:10 PM Comments comments (0)

I'm celebrating my new green front door. I stripped it last summer but never finished. I had the paint and wanted to get it done this spring. My aunt was here and she did it for me. It looks amazing and it makes me smile every. single. day. now.

Let others help you. They want to do it. We love to BE the helpers but it's important to receive too. I'm learning.



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Electric Bed

Posted by on June 21, 2020 at 5:20 PM Comments comments (0)

I've ordered an electric bed. After my discussions with 10,000 friends, I can see so many (especially the tall ones!) say they wish they would have had an electric bed sooner. Sleeping in a recliner was amazing...for a while.. but nothing compared once they made the switch. 

I search online, read reviews, weigh costs and by 5pm, I have ordered one. Ben tells me not to 'waste money' on these things. But, f...

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Home Care

Posted by on June 21, 2020 at 10:15 AM Comments comments (0)

It was very stressful for me to arrange a first meeting with home care.

I felt Ben would not want strangers in our house, but I also want to set up visitors now, while his health is good (ish) and make it a bit more normal now. So that later, well... I don't want to talk about later. But then, who would I be... if I wasn't anticipating, planning and logical.. mixed in with all the emotional parts... I plan. That's w...

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Period Pause

Posted by on June 20, 2020 at 3:55 AM Comments comments (0)

Like, listen here, body. Can you just stop with the additional crap? My period has started and my cramps are out of control. The pain has me curled up and I'm so mad to have to deal with them on top of it all. I'm 43, the kids boat has sailed, can someone just push the EMERGENCY STOP button on this machine? Just go away. 

No Stomach, No Back, No Sides

Posted by on June 20, 2020 at 3:55 AM Comments comments (0)

There is not one side of his body that he can lie on comfortably. I ask my 10,000 friends about this. They suggest a recliner or adjustable bed. Some say a body pillow has helped them. I buy a body pillow online and ask Lisa if we can borrow their recliner.