Kris Fuller, CancerWifeNinja sharing my journey... as my husband battles Stage 4 Colon Cancer.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on July 1, 2020 at 7:10 PM||comments (0)|
Tomorrow is Ben's surgery. I am glad for the projects and busy work today to keep my mind off it. I'm excited for the surgery to work, to be the main source of pain- and have it FINALLY - be eliminated. That's my best wish and hope.
But I am also quite scared. I hope he is strong enough for this surgery and that everything goes super smooth. So many things have not gone smooth on this cancer journey...we are overdue for a gentle ride. Please let it be tomorrow. I can't even write about the risks and possible outcomes, all I want is to focus on the good, perfect result.
I want to bring my man home, plop him down on his own bed in our house. I want to walk him through his gardens and celebrate my award ceremony. I want to stop driving to the hospital two or three times a day and just relax for a while. And Mia misses him, too.
|Posted by email@example.com on July 1, 2020 at 7:10 PM||comments (0)|
Alenna and Preston have come out on July 1 - Happy Canada Day- to help with a few projects. The ladies start staining cedar wood for inside and Preston starts the garbage shelves. I do love a work crew. We are so blessed!
There's a light drizzle, but we manage to work under cover and stay dry.
The best part is they also take a truckload of plants to put for sale in their front yard. I'm so grateful and excited for Fullergreens to keep going. Hugs to all my love and support.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on June 30, 2020 at 11:05 PM||comments (0)|
Today I won four awards! I am the employee of the month at Fuller Greens.
Did I make up the categories myself? Yes.
Did I choose myself as the winner. Also, yes.
Was Ben smiling with delight when I showed him. Yes. So much yes. We had another evening visit at the hospital. He can't wait to be home again.
I told him I intend on having an awards ceremony at home, on Friday, after his surgery. I asked what he would be wearing.
Sweat pants and his "dress" crocks. (That's what we have donned the clean pair.)
I can't wait.
|Posted by email@example.com on June 30, 2020 at 4:25 PM||comments (0)|
My neighbours have cut the trim for our house to the sizes I need (the long way.. making a 1x6 into a 1x4 for a few oversights I made on my wood order).
When I was there going over the cuts, they sent me home with a freshly caught trout. They just made my day, and guess what? Now I feel like I CAN get the laundry done.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on June 30, 2020 at 12:25 PM||comments (0)|
While Ben is in hospital waiting for surgery, I thought, 'Great! Now I can really get things done in the house, too.'
One of my challenges has been navigating around him. His sleep, his being in the house constantly, his schedule. It's hard to run the dishwasher and laundry while being quiet. When to change the sheets without disrupting him. Even feeing the cat makes too much noise sometimes! And I know what it's like trying to rest when you can feel someone bustling around! So I try to balance the need for sterility and cleanliness... with Ben's needs.
I thought while he was away I would catch up on everything. I got 4 loads of laundry done and dishes. But now, it isn't going my way. Without him here, I don't feel motivated to do anything more. Instead, I've forced Mia into my arms (she gives me mad ears but starts purring at the same time so I know she's fine) and watched TV on his electric bed. Instead of getting up to stretch, I use the buttons to move my body. Up, down. Flat. I'm so tired.
The piles of things to do are small...but massive. The yard is done, but I can't seem to get to the house.
I have a book to do final edits on, too. But my brain can't seem to stay focused on that. My editor sent a gentle reminder yesterday, 'Are you close?'. No, Editor, not really. I'm on page 3. I'm doing my best but it's a lot.
|Posted by email@example.com on June 30, 2020 at 3:15 AM||comments (0)|
I love the help that comes to lift us up. Family and friends keeping Fuller Greens going in this first exciting year.
Well, it should have been a first exciting year. 2020 was it! He was ready! It was exciting to finally get it going for the public. Ben works so hard on being perfect in his garden arena. He wants perfect plants, perfect website, perfect everything. His business philosophy is the opposite of mine. I leap, jump and go for it...even when I'm scared, even when I don't feel ready. It's been different, even difficult to see his slower, methodical ways. And so, for 2020 to be planned, started and then rudely interrupted has been just heartbreaking. On so many levels, but especially for the green dream.
And when help comes to lift us up, we focus on the greens. The greens for Ben. Keeping his hope and his dream going while he recovers. While he is weak. It brings him so much joy. It's good for his spirit, heart, and mindset. When help shows up I am so grateful for this Ben-focus.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on June 29, 2020 at 1:45 PM||comments (0)|
Ben's mom will visit with him in the hospital today. She wants to but I also get a break!
My cousin is coming to do more yard work (her girls loved it!) and I am so excited. She's bringing lunch and I can't wait.
|Posted by email@example.com on June 28, 2020 at 8:50 PM||comments (0)|
Ben is scheduled for a gall bladder removal on Thursday in Kelowna.
They want to keep him admitted in hospital until then for pain management and monitoring his middle. I'm back and forth to the hospital three times today to visit and sit with him. It's so long and boring in this room. Sir-Farts-A-Lot is still in action, too. Poor Ben!
At the same time we feel peace for his pain management and 24 hour care. We had talked about this option with home care. The idea of checking him in to do 24 hour care for a few days and get it sorted out once and for all. The timeline has changed, that's all.
We were waiting for July 1st for that beautiful medical coverage to kick in. (That's what I get for celebrating on June 13! Only 17 days to go, my foot. We have had more services in the last 2 weeks than the last 2 months!)
But, my philosophy is the same. His care matters most. It's only more bills. I will figure it out.
I have always figured it out. It's been a while since I groused about it - about the MSP situation that Ben is in- and now I feel bad that it crossed my mind. That's the thing with 'letting things go'. It's not always smooth and easy.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on June 28, 2020 at 7:45 PM||comments (0)|
Ben has a roomate. Another cancer patient. There is a curtain between us but we can hear what is going on.
Farting. A lot of farting. He lets one go now!
I stifle a snicker and look at Ben.
He farts all night, Ben whispers to me. And we get the giggles. The silent giggles. I put my hand over my mouth. I can hardly control my laughter and we continue to hear toot,toot,toot, braaaaachk from the cot behind the curtain.
|Posted by email@example.com on June 28, 2020 at 3:45 AM||comments (0)|
I visit Ben in the hospital. His pain was as high as it's ever been. It was a 9 last night he says. I thought I was going to die.
I sit gently beside him on the hospital bed. How do you feel now? I ask him and he says much better. He wants to live, be alive! He wants to be home and keep planning. But last night was hard.
I cannot imagine a 9 /10 on pain for him. Thank goodness we were not at home he says and I choke back a sob. What would I have done? Yes, thank goodness.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on June 27, 2020 at 9:35 AM||comments (0)|
I wake up early. Mia is at my feet. (smiles)
I text Ben at 6am and he replies with a heart. (love)
Don't rush over, he says. They are getting me in for a CT scan and the doctor won't be here until noon. We text for a while and I go back to sleep with Mia.
Oh, Mia-Mia.... you're so tired... I say as I pet her. She stretches big and we snuggle together for more sleep.
|Posted by email@example.com on June 27, 2020 at 7:20 AM||comments (0)|
After Ben checks in, I wait in the parking lot until midnight.
I recline in the drivers seat and call my sister in Alberta. She's awake and good company for this midnight car. We talk about how tired I am, how much the pain is annoying and how good it is to be at the hospital. We talk about her boys and their farm. And we talk about me. Am I okay? Am I getting enough support? Yes. I feel loved.
Eventually Ben texts me to go home, he will spend the night at the hospital.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on June 27, 2020 at 2:15 AM||comments (0)|
We load Ben up with the meds we have, we do what we can. He wants to wait to see if it 'kicks in' but I have learned. It's 11pm.
I say, No, get in the car. If it kicks in in 22 minutes, we took a nice leisurely drive and we can come right home.
BUT if it does not... we will be right at Emerg. He agrees and in a flash I have made a copy of our home drug care, packed for him, grabbed the bowl and we are off.
It's the right decision. He feels worse in 22 miuntes and we can't admit him fast enough.
|Posted by email@example.com on June 26, 2020 at 9:35 PM||comments (0)|
Have you ever had someone visit that makes you feel uncomfortable? That doesn't quite support you... or at least not how you need it? I'm faced with this today, and it's very hard. I have guests who want to come and see me. See Ben. We don't know them well and their intentions are good BUT it's always a draining visit.
I want to be the people-pleaser. I want to host and be proper, but in my heart I know it doesn't serve me at this time. I just can't look after anyone else. I am emotionally ... full. It takes all the will, self-reflection and inner strength but I have to simply say, 'no.'
Today is Ben's mom's birthday and we are not even seeing her! Why would I think he/we could manage a visit with somebody less important than a mom? As soon as I have said 'no', a weight is lifted from my shoulders. I realize it's for the best.
There are hurt feelings, and it was really hard for me. I am not sure how I feel, entirely. Not proud, but a little bit ...good? A little bit... like I matter... more. And that is something I want everyone else in the world to know and believe. That you matter.
And so here I am... doing hard things.. and MATTERING all over the place. It's hard work.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on June 26, 2020 at 7:25 PM||comments (0)|
The chemo bottle on a bag was removed at 10am. Hooray for small freedoms.
A second sub-Q port was added to his left arm. Boo for more holes and contraptions in his body. He has TWO on that arm.. but meds need their own. And eventually it will be back to one as we transition this medical change (trying something new!)
|Posted by email@example.com on June 25, 2020 at 1:00 PM||comments (0)|
Home care visits again. They really want to get Ben's pain under control. Yes, us too.It's been constantly at 4 or 5 out of 10. Sometimes even 6 and 7. At 8 or 9 we go to ER and I'm sure it's off the chart when we arrive.
We are going to try a new drug. Something under the tongue. Mix it up to see improvements. They ask Ben what he would like to be doing with his time and I jump in, 'Come see his yard! He's an amazing gardner.' They take the tour and Ben joins us. They love the greenery and are so joyful in the midst of Ben's greens. It's the sliver of the dream he has- people in his yard, enjoying greens. His next steps would be teaching about them.
They finish the tour and head out. Pain Med orders are made and by 4pm ready for me at the Pharmacy. I hope with all my heart this brings him peace and energy. And more gardening time!
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on June 25, 2020 at 2:55 AM||comments (0)|
I google the term Near Future for two hours.
What does it mean....
So, no...what does it really mean....
No, wait... don't tell me...
...or... no, I don't know. Near.
How near is near... no, wait.. don't tell me...
|Posted by email@example.com on June 25, 2020 at 2:45 AM||comments (0)|
Ben tells me I should check out the brochures on the fridge. They were given to us by the home care team. I thumb through the information on home care, palliative care and pain management. There is a brochure on Hospice and End of Life and it sends tingles shooting down to my feet and fingers. Of course, in both brochures, the language is kind and includes a lot of 'IF' and 'WHEN' but I can't unread the words in bold.
There's a form that stays on top of the fridge too, he says. That's a known spot. For paramedics to look. For those forms. A white envelope sits on top of the fridge and I slowly pull out those forms. One talks about life saving measures and how much Ben would like to recieve. It's not news to me. But it is somehow very different to see it in check box format. A cold list. A punch in my middle to see lifesaving measures....checked... or not checked off.
There's another document that I have a lot of questions and emotions about. But I am not ready to ask. I am not ready to face. Instead, I am silently outraged and hurt. Why is this document here? Why here now? Is this something for now? Who would slip this one in? My mind spins. Is it 10 years or two? Is it now? I exhale confusion and hold my breath as I slide in this horrible form: Notification of Expected Death in the Home in the Near Future
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on June 25, 2020 at 2:35 AM||comments (0)|
I tell Ben I just don't feel like I am getting any sleep.
He tells me the lumberjack snoring in my bedroom has a different story to tell.
As a defiant non-snorer, I am not impressed with this false report. I'm sure it's a new-found habit (snoring) and only due to stress. COVid? Cancer? Weight gain? Boo, snoring. And boo, no sleep.
|Posted by email@example.com on June 25, 2020 at 1:30 AM||comments (0)|
He loves it.
It lifts his upper body. Which helps because he is often weak.
It lifts his feet. His once again badly swollen feet. Which helps because it's an ordeal to lift feet, legs and shove pillows in.
It moves his body slowly and slightly. Which helps because with a sore back and stomach, the pain of moving sucks.
It's fits a Twin XL mattress. Which is amazing because he is too tall for the recliner.
Electric Bed- 5 stars- highly recommend.
As for me? I'm over the moon. My need to help has been answered with the success of this bed.